for the past few days ive been feeling really horrible. i felt like the biggest sinner in this world. i've ruined your life being the way i am. i wish i could tell you how sorry i am. i wish i could turn back time and make everything better. i wish you could be here hugging me telling me that its alright and that im silly. i wish you could just be here to make me feel better.
im sorry. im really am. i din mean to ruin your life the way things turn out to be. it hurts me to know that you are in the situation you are right now. and theres nth i can do. i cant be there to listen to you cant be there to comfort you. im sorry.
the stupid insomnia thing is back. i cant slp at all. resorted to getting pills from doc. it does help a lil. but i cant depend on it for the rest of my life. went to gramps for 2 nights, felt a lil better. my lil sanctuary. but i still gotta come back. and when im home, reality slaps real bad. even gramps asked me to not think abt it. she din want me to be sad. she wants me to stay w her cause she's worried abt me. she wants me near cause she know at least w mei ard, i feel better. but i cant. few nights a week probably, but not every single night. reality will still bite me when im back home. too much.. too much memories.. good times, bad times.. its all surrounding me when im home. the times we will watch tv on the sofa tgt, be on tumblr tgt, pillowtalks, cooking indo mee for the hungry you waking up tgt either making breakfast tgt or you'll go get food for us.. all of these just cant stop flashing before my eyes. it just hurts. it hurts so bad that i dont know what im doing anymore. gg thru life like a routine, doing what has to be done smiling laughing to show that im ok im fine im alright. but who will ever know whats goin on within me. i know i have to let go, i know everything will be alright somehow but im sick and tired of ppl telling me so. i know i have to throw myself into work. but im so tired i have no energy strength and whatsoever to do it.
losing you really opened my eyes to plenty of things. like how he really mean nth at all to me. and you have been right all along, im so foolish to not listen to you and not see it. cause i stil have you. but now you're gone, everything is so clear now. im sorry. im really sorry. i know no matter how many sorrys i say things will not change. but still.. im sorry. pls believe me when i say i still love you. the sun shined at 3:04 AM
